A lot of people in my feed are talking about Astro Bot. And for good reason! Every review I’ve read has mentioned glorious gameplay that turns simple moments of discovery into gifts of pure wonder. It reminds me of the games of my youth, something I’d open on Christmas morning and rush to load into the system. While many other companies may have relegated traditional platformers to the dumpster of history, here - as far as I understand - Sony proves that Nintendo doesn’t have the monopoly on simple, light fun. Unfortunately, I’m probably never going to experience that fun first hand because I’m worried the robot in Astro Bot isn’t attractive enough for me to enjoy.
I’m sure you’re going to tell me that the robot in Astro Bot isn’t designed to be attractive to normal people. The robot is supposed to be a non-human metal automaton with big eyes and the ability to hover. While its in-game behavior is meant to anthropomorphize this robot, I’m mad there is explicitly no way to kiss it. Which, honestly, is the problem. No lips alone would normally not be a deal breaker, but a lack of mouth means it’s harder for me to draw fan art that should make the police search my laptop. And don’t get me started on the robot’s chin. Why make the character with a wide, rectangular jaw when you could make it pointy like the android in the Svedka vodka ads that I was asked to stop stealing from bus stations?
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Maybe that’s my point. Just because Astro Bot was introduced a long time ago doesn’t mean his design isn’t woke now and can’t use modernization. Yes, I admit, many robots in the real world aren’t attractive at all. But this is a video game! It’s an art form in which you can do anything! And by ‘do anything’, I mean it’s an art form in which the people making it have to specifically do it the way I want when I want or I’m going to squeal that I’ve been abandoned like a baby bird on the sidewalk. Side note, I once put on Steel Magnolias - because the word ‘Steel’ is cool - and threw a Wii Remote through my television when I realized it wasn’t made for me. There wasn’t even a warning screen like there is before old cartoons. It just threw me in. Daryl Hannah scared me. I’ve never been more depressed.
So don’t tell me that Astro Bot can’t be an attractive robot woman rather than one we call ‘he’ despite ‘him’ not having any male genitals as far as I’ve thoroughly checked with the game camera in previous installments. The artists have the technology to make Astro Bot look and sound like a silver Sydney Sweeney or a platinum my mom after Jazzercise in 1991. The fact that they’re not doing this shows a disregard for me, even though every single aspect of this game is something I would love if I hadn’t poisoned my mind endlessly looking for enemies. I could be enjoying this game right now if they weren’t so weird and I wasn’t so normal.
And don’t come crying to me if this game isn’t a success. You see, I have this theory. Stick with me here. Games that don’t do well are woke. Games that do well are not woke. Ah? Ah? Right? When a game is successful, I consider it to solely be based on my own personal perceptions of how the characters look. That’s why I purchase things! I wouldn’t buy bananas unless it had a sticker with the beautiful lady wearing the fruit hat! I mean, I don’t want to name any names - but there’s definitely another recent Sony game I can think of that had a robot character I didn’t want to have sex with! I can’t think of any other reason why it didn’t work out in the current year, market landscape, and consumer trends. Let me just move this chess piece into checkmate without even looking at the board!
Also, I know I’m already correct based on sales. As of right now, Astro Bot’s numbers haven’t been made public since the game came out less than a day ago. But I’m guessing it sold zero copies because of the robot’s head shape and its negative phrenological implications. Honestly, I don’t know of anybody who bought it in my circle of stream commenters. All the people online saying they’re enjoying this game were paid to do so by a bunker of secret world leaders who think that would do anything, which it wouldn’t. Every day my head feels like it’s filled with bees that want me to sting something to make it stop.
Perhaps what’s most disappointing is that Astro Bot is filled with references to PlayStation’s incredible game catalog. This is the history I grew up with and have turned into a source of pure anger. Finding small references to things in other things is what I live for. Lore! Canon! All I’m asking for is the original vision of the original creator unless I disagree with their notes and letters about orcs’ personal lives. And I believe with every pointlessly enraged bone in my body that good game creators make exclusively sexy, demure characters. Especially robots, which, need I remind you, can be any shape and have their special uh-oh parts made of rubber and gel. If you want to see, I have a few drawings that the patent office sent back to me with a hard “No”.
At the end of the day, I’m just going to extrapolate that my personal taste in butts is the primary deciding factor in the financial success of artistic products. And, right now, that robot I’m mad about has no butt. It’s a can without a can. A locomotive without a caboose. It’s all truck, no dumps. The grocery store is out of hams, baby. Until that grave injustice - arguably the gravest injustice happening right now - changes, I can’t see myself spending money on a product that pushes its political agenda on me by having trapezoid-shaped faces. It’s like I’m the only sane person left in an insane world.
Astro Bot
5.0/5
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